If you end up in hell, would you rather be grilled, steamed, or boiled? If you wonder whether there is a difference, then you are not alone. I had the same question. We had been informed that all three options can be sampled at Hell’s Gate. So, one Easter, feeling sufficiently energised for adventure, we headed there in search of the answer.
The old road to Naivasha is said to be more scenic. We took it. It was wonderful. It is also said to have some delicious roasted maize. We bought two cobs. They were lousy. Then as we finished littering the highway with half-eaten maize cobs, we reached the Italian church near Mai Mahiu.
It could have been the ghost of the Italian prisoners of war, but our car veered off towards the church and we stopped for a tet-a-tet with our maker. Inside the POW church, we each repeated mea culpa, mea culpa sufficient times, conclude with mea culpa maxima and then proceeded on our way.
Knowing our proclivity for choma, it was a wonder we did not stop at Mai Mahiu for some. But at Naivasha, we bought a kilo, make it two, of the stuff and headed down Moi North Road (same one that leads to Mau Eburu.
At the turnoff to Hells gate National park, some locals tried to interest us with cycling. Some members do not cycle so we proceeded down the gravel road to the gate. We were shocked. The gate was amazingly cool for hell. In fact it reminded me of Mr Onyango’s promise. Mr Onyango was the discipline master at Kangaru School
One evening Mr Onyango, found us skiving prep. We were in a prefect’s cubicle at Embu House engrossed in Nderi Nduma’s utheci (Kangaru speak for telling of tall tales). The walls of the cubicle were decorated with cut-out magazine pages with photos of sleek cars and beautiful women. Pointing at the pictures, Mr Onyango told us, “you continue evading preps like this, it will be a cold day in hell the day you drive anything like any one of these cars”. Today, it was a cold day in hells gate.
Further on, the dragon tooth was still being climbed by the rock climbers. We did not scale it. We photographed it instead and proceeded with our drive. Let us make this simple shall we? Yes. Here is the thing. The animals and landscape were just like those in the JW’s Watchtower magazine that you so much love so I will spare you further narration. Refer to one.
The Gorge!
At the Gate to the gorge, as you can see in the picture, they have put a big, big inscription on top of the gate that reads
HELL’S GATE: ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE
Am pulling your leg. That’s a line for Dante’s Infernal. But still, as we headed down the gorge, we were naturally apprehensive and for good reason. A month earlier, a calamity had befallen some youthful hikers down the same gorge. To reassure ourselves, we asked our Maasai guide about that incidence. It turns out he was in the guiding party and he tells his version of the events of that day.
“On that day,” says he “it must have been raining somewhere on the Longonot side uphill of hell’s gate. It did not look like heavy rain and no one was thinking much of it. We had hiked quite well although it was a bit hectic keeping the youth together”. He continued “si wajua tu vijana. Wanataka kujificha wawiliwawili kwa makonakona,” he said. I did not understand what he meant but perhaps you do. Then he proceeded, “Karibu, jikoni (near the devil’s kitchen), tukaanza kusikia mngurumo mkubwa kama wa mashetani wamelewa pombe kali”.
He explained that they were approaching the devil’s Kitchen when they heard a massive roar like a thousand demons stomping downhill while high on adulterated alcohol. Some of the hikers had already heard the roar and were running back the way they came. He frantically herded the rest back the way they had come and advising them to quickly climb up the emergency exits and out of the gorge. Most scampered and were saved. But about fifteen or so of them defied him. The youth with the stand said, “wacha za ovyo, hii maji ni kukapcha kwa video”. He fished out his phone as he had his gang took a vantage position a meter or so high on the gorge wall.
“The video he captured has never been seen,” our maasai guide concluded his story.
creset fallen, we descended down the gorge pensively. I for one reflecting on all that could go wrong. But once down there, the place was so beautiful it was easy to lose oneself and soak in the natural architecture and work of art decorating the walls of the gorge. But still, the words of my mother never left my mind. When the moon was all bright and the countryside where I grew up would don a thousand stars so beautiful you felt like taking your dinner outside, my mother would remind us to retreat to the house thus, “mweri ũrĩ ĩgũrũ, kĩrĩa mbũri kĩrĩ nthĩ” meaning the Leopard hunts during a beautiful moonlight.
Therefore, as the hike progressed, I kept one hear open for the roar of the devil or even the pat pat pat of a baby demon. There wasn’t. But there was a whiff of Satan’s perfume in the air. It was quite like rotten eggs it was unmistakable. The temperature too kept us reminded that the interloper was not far off. Now and then we would encounter hot streams and pools of water, perhaps remnants of where a demon had taken bath. It too had this smell.
Save for the temperature the hike in and out of the gorge was moderate but exciting. I can comfortably state it was nothing of hell. It was wonderful.
Geothermal Spa
The Geothermal Spa was our next stop.
If there was a smell of the devil at the gorge, at the spa the smell was overwhelming. Wherever the steam was coming from, someone must have been cooking something terrible.
Depending on you ask, this is water happens down below.
Geothermists: The temperature at the earth’s crust causes molten stuff to boil over and rise towards the earth’s surface. Unfortunately, for the lava and fortunately for us earthlings, some two or so kilometres from the earth’s surface, the lava encounters a huge underground lake. In the ensuing heat exchange, the lava is cooled by the water while the water from the lake is steamed.
Biblists: According to the Biblical book of genesis and some Egyptian texts, there is a lake of fire
and brimstone (sulphur) down in the abys where Lucifer, death and hades were tossed to after falling-off with God. This is where the sins of incontinence are punished.
Whichever version you believe, I don’t think we should poking the underworld with pipes in the name of electricity.